Is it ever OK to go through your partner's phone? (2024)

You notice your partner's behaviour has changed.

They're always on their phone and hide it when you're around. They're not interested in having conversations, and you're fighting a little more than usual.

You ask if everything's OK and they reply with "yes" but their face says "no".

If you're a fan of Euphoria, you'll remember that episode in season one where Maddy Perez goes through her boyfriend, Nate Jacobs' phone.

Even though she felt that was the only way to get to the truth, she got a little more than she bargained for.

Is checking your partner's phone ever OK? To help answer this question, we asked two relationship experts to weigh in.

Think about where the impulse to check is coming from

There is no simple answer to this question, mainly because every couple and their situation is different.

Before you do anything, couples' therapist Nicole Mathieson says,ask yourself where these feelings are coming from.

Consider questions like: "Is this my past trauma from childhood or a previous relationship?" or "Is this a response because my partner's behaviour has changed?"

"Feelings are not always in response to the present moment," she says.

If you've been in a relationship where someone has cheated in the past, it's normal to feel anxious when you see similar patterns.

But that's why communication plays an important role in relationships.

Express how you really feel

Checking your partner's phone might seem like a simple, harmless way to find the answer you're looking for —but if you haven't had an open chat about privacy and access to devices, it could cause more problems.

"You're trying to solve a problem with betrayal so then you become the one who has betrayed," says Ms Mathieson.

So, how do you have a chat with your partner about how you're feeling?

First things first, make sure you're in a calm state so you can think and respond reasonably, says Ms Mathieson.

Director of a Sydney-based couples counselling centreRowan Burkchardt then suggests keeping the relationship at the centre of the conversation rather than blaming or accusing your partner of their actions.

He says start the conversation with "I feel…" statements.

"If you say, 'you're being secretive' that will naturally illicit an emotion of defence but if you express without making it about yourself or them, but about the situation, your partner is much more likely to work on a solution,"Dr Burckhardt says.

A good way to make sure you're both on the same page is to repeat back what your partner is saying. The most challenging part is trying not to get defensive, Ms Mathieson says.

"The trick is to stay open to listening to them with curiosity rather than going into defence mode," she says.

"Summarise back what your partner is saying, so they feel heard."

Dr Burckhardt adds, if you have good communication and trust, it will help overcome other relationship hurdles in the future.

"If you can do that with devices, you can do that with raising children, sexual intimacy, managing finances to managing your in-laws," he says.

"If you can't resolve the issue with devices, you're probably going to struggle with a lot of other things."

Balancing privacy in your relationship

It's important to remember that for some people, Dr Burckhardt explains, having constant access might feel like an invasion of privacy, but others might not care at all and that's why it's important to come to an agreement where both people feel comfortable.

This conversation might be tough, especially if you're having it for thefirst time, so it might be worth reaching out to a couples therapist for help, Dr Burckhardt says.

"It might not be well receivedand they may get defensive for their own reasons. There's certain emotions that are more effective whenexpressing feelingswith others and it's something that is learnable with the right therapist."

We all have the right to privacy whether that's on your phone, computers or social media accounts, so if you find yourself feeling pressured to hand over your device, that might be a red flag.

"The other end of the spectrum with checking phones is coercive control and abuse," Ms Mathieson says.

"It often starts subtle like, 'what's your passwords so I can help you?'and often looks like love and care but can turn into control and abuse."

If you're in this situation and feeling stuck, please reach out to organisations like 1800 RESPECT for help.

When you both agree to it

Dr Burckhardt says there are some situations where having access can be beneficial to your relationship —where there is mutual agreement. He singles out two specific scenarios.

"In the months that follow an infidelity, I would advise the person who's done the infidelity to give access to the other person while that trust is being built up," he says.

The other scenario could be "after a suspicious event has happened that could be a serious breach of trust," he says.

"Sometimes the only way to resolve that, is proof that it didn't happen."

In these cases, it's not a long-term strategy and is usually only recommended for a certain period of time.

Ms Mathieson adds if you're not in this situation, keeping privacy and space between each other can actually keep that 'spark' alive.

"For love we need safety, security and comfort. For eroticism we need the unknown, newness and novelty and I don't think you can get that excitement if everything is always shared," she says.

"It means there's always something interesting to find out about each other."